Greybeard's Grumbling

Various Dinings & Winings

2011-11-16T02:47:00.000-08:00

At first things were pretty quiet

Since Al is a modest fella, he doesn't appear in many of the shots on his blog. I wish to remedy this & point out how sneaky he can be.

Chaz, Al, Quokka & Alan (looking suspiciously)

But then the champagne came out & Chaz's 'jokes'

Quokka, Therbs, Chaz, Marcella, a bit of Damien & Ildi's arm.

Later Al showed us his photos & what it would cost to suppress them

Well fed but looking for more (Fifi on the left)

Down to Woody Point for Gelati

There were dolphins, honest!

A Bedtime Fable for Surplus Children

2011-05-04T22:45:00.000-07:00

Time for one of Uncle Greybeard’s Instructive Tales. (Which you’ve probably heard before)

One day this city fella was tearing down a country road at top speed when he turned a corner and saw a lamb in the road. He slammed on the brakes but knew he couldn’t stop in time, when suddenly a 3-legged pig hopped out to the lamb in a single bound, grabbed its wool in his teeth and hopped safely to the grassy verge. When he pulled up, shaking, he got out and followed the 3-legged pig as it carried the lamb back to a farmhouse. The city fella knocked on the door and when the farmer answered, he told him what the pig had done. “That is no surprise to me” said the farmer “such actions are in every way typical of this noble beast”. (He was a funny sort of farmer btw). “Why when my dear spouse and I were slumbering in our nuptial bed, my alcohol distillation apparatus (used only for fuel purposes I may say) caught fire, and would in all likelihood have cast us into eternal sleep, were it not that the noble pig burst into our boudoir, dragged the brocaded quilt from our recumbent forms – thus waking us – and skilfully hurled it upon the fire, thus extinguishing the blaze which might else have extinguished our very lives. (He also liked really long sentences that farmer). The city fella was amazed but the farmer went on (and on) to tell him more tales of intelligence and heroism unparalleled in animal lore, all attributed to the wonderful pig. Finally the farmer drew breath and the city fella asked the question which had trembled on his eager lips for, oh, ever so long. “But how did he lose his leg?” he said, inquiringly. The farmer looked shocked and shook his head at the city fella’s ignorance. “A pig like that” he said “a pig like that, well! You don’t eat it all at once!”

And the moral of this story is, that there is no need to sell your children all at once. Like some of our old books of art, more profit may be made by selling them one page, as it were, at a time. Please feel free to pass this instructive tale on to your various children. Perhaps as a bedtime story?

yours affectionately, Uncle Greybeard.

Review of the ExoPC (so far - another work in progress)

2010-12-01T18:16:00.000-08:00

I bought a slate (ExoPC) as an e-reader, travelling entertainment device and for portable Internet access. It's early-adopter stuff (drivers, drivers & drivers) and, while it does all the things I bought it for, it's far from perfect.

The ExoPC UI Layer. Very quick and easy to use, but also unfinished

Left side. There's a docking port underneath and a stand and stylus on the way.

For those interested in the tech side: Intel Atom N450, 1.66GHz, 2GB RAM, 32GB SSD, 1 x SD slot, 2 x USB, 1 x mini-HDMI and a SIM card slot with nothing behind it. Audio I/O 3.5mm. 1.3 Mp webcam. 1366x768 11.6" capacitive touch screen, 4 hours battery life, if you're lucky. Broadcom chip for HD video via the m-HDMI. Runs Win 7 32-bit Home Premium out of the box. Cost A$762 delivered from Canada.

So here's my rankings so far:

E-reader 7.5/10
Pros - covers every file format, backlit, good screen size and resolution. Big plus compared to a Kindle is glorious colour. Magazines etc look great. Also the speed of screen refreshes/page turns is very quick. Some e-paper screens I've tried blank out for a ridiculous time between pages. I'm a fast reader dammit.
Cons - too heavy (nearly a kg), short battery life, occasionally dodgy touch screen. The touch screen issue has been reported by other users but seems to be improved by new drivers (for me anyway). It's actually quite a bit better than other capacitive screens I've tried and can only get better with, yep, new drivers.

11.6" ExoPC linked to 54" Panasonic. One cable.

Mythbusters from ExoPC. Quality is as good as the file allows

Travelling entertainment 8/10
Pros - runs VLC, MPC - anything really. Got a cheap cable from Deal Extreme to hook to HDTV and it works fine. 1080p video + audio to a 54" plasma looks great, audio out to an amp or headphones is also great. Just the thing for motels or apartments when we're travelling.
Cons - It'll do a flight to Melbourne but not an international. I'd give it 9.5 if the battery life was better.

HDMI cable on the left, 3G modem on the right. Slate with fingerprints in middle.

Portable Internet access 6/10
Pros - great screen, especially compared to a smartphone.
Cons - weight and size mean I won't use it easily or often on the go, but fine at the destination. Needs a USB 3G modem - which I have - but an internal 3G/GPS card would be better. Some owners have already installed these, thus voiding their warranties. Like it says on my t-shirt, I Void Warranties 8-). Battery life again means that I won't spend too much time away from a socket, but to be honest I don't anyway.

All in all, I got exactly what I expected and was happy to pay for. I haven't mentioned the very fast and easy, finger-friendly Exo UI layer or the App store (which isn't much at all yet anyway). Some early problems have already been fixed by driver updates, and more are expected. The UI layer gets better with each iteration but hasn't reached version 1 yet so again, more fun to come. The bottom line is that I've now read scores of e-books I've had for years and it looks way easier to cart off on trips than a laptop or even netbook so I'm happy for now. In a couple of years new screens, batteries and APUs will probably produce devices 10x better, but by then the $2 coins in my bottom drawer will probably amount to enough to get one so that's OK too. (Beyond price was the look on the teller's face when I produced a 50 year old canvas bank moneybag with 400 $2 coins to buy this one.)

Why do people have costume parties?

2010-11-28T18:15:00.000-08:00

So this fellow is turning forty (40) and he wants a costume party.

So the beloved of my heart, mother of my children, Beast of Brisbane, Hammer of the Helpless, decided to let out her inner Morticia. Knowing the calibre of the other guests, I decided to be prepared as a Fearless Vampire Killer.

The "walking stick" is actually a concealed stake-cane. Note the narrow-eyed look of suspicion. You can tell we're married. This posting is for the amusement of Quokka, Morgana, Catty et al and should not be read by anyone else. Especially NowhereBob.

Important Scientific Breakthrough!

2010-10-17T16:26:00.000-07:00

"Scientists are hailing a breakthrough that could lead to one of medicine's holy grails - a cure for the common cold.
Researchers have found they can attach tiny studs of silver to harmless bacteria, giving them the ability to destroy viruses. They tested the silver-impregnated bacteria against norovirus, which causes winter vomiting outbreaks, and found they leave the virus unable to cause infections." (from the Brisbane Times)

Formerly harmless bacteria, after studding

This discovery raises a host of important questions. However I intend to ignore all of them and ask these instead.

Does this mean that people with piercings (and silver studs) don't get colds?

Can I avoid a cold by (a) Getting various body parts pierced? or (b) Spending a lot of time in close proximity to, say, some hot Goth chicks with lots of studs & rings?

Will body piercing now be available under the PBS?

And above all, how do they attach the studs?

Possibility 1 (fun)


Possibility 2 (boring)

Possibility 3 (Tiny silver studs also kill Zombies & Werewolves)

Sorry, must be time for my coffee.

Awww, the first snake of Springtime.

2010-10-03T19:50:00.000-07:00

The birds were fussing out the front.

Turns out he didn't smoke

It's like a painting, the eyes follow you everywhere.

Oh, and don't pick the orchids.

A bit of video. Do you know how hard it is to wiggle your toes and hold the camera steady at the same time?

.
And a glamour shot of Goldie, just for Ms Cat. Sorry, no video. She likes bees, small birds and Jehovah's Witnesses.

And just for Quokka . . .

The all new, improved Turkinator

The training continues . . .

By Sunday all will ready.

And for Quokka . . .

What Men Really Want

2010-10-03T01:18:00.000-07:00

Well, the season of compulsory giving of inappropriate and unappreciated gifts is almost upon us. Everywhere that Consumerism is worshipped and advertising fills the air, Men and Women will receive socks, jocks, foul perfumes and tasteless lingerie. Now I can't (being hopelessly male) help with good presents for women. I guess it'll be back to "Skanky Sue's Hot Underwear Emporium" for me. But I can give you a sure-fire winner for men.

Behold! The 40,000V bug-swatter! Light, cheap, quiet (except for a sharp crack! as it does the job) and almost harmless*. Runs on 2xAA batteries - I use rechargeables of course. Being a bit green and all.

Now here we see an odd moth which has stuck to the protective (ha!) outer grid. You can see the highly charged killing & frying grid tucked away safely at least 2mm behind that. Most moths, mozzies etc hit the inner grid and disintegrate with a slight but pleasant charring smell. Caution! Do not dislodge moths like the one above with your finger, while pressing the button. I tried to import a couple of these from HK a while back and Customs confiscated them. Pikers! But my friendly local hardware shop (old-style, not Bunnings) got hold of some.

No male of my acquaintance has come to the house without trying this thing, turning to his partner and exclaiming "I want one!". It satisfies a deep, fundamental urge to hunt which is buried in the psyche of almost every male. Plus it makes cool noises and smells and kills things.

* Product should not be used on, by or near people with pacemakers or other heart problems. Or by anyone under the influence of alcohol unless it would be, like, really funny. And don't let your dog lick it like the guy in the hardware shop. He didn't come back for a really long time and he hasn't been the same since. The dog that is. And my wife just came and took it. 30 seconds later - "crack. Yay, got it!" I think we need another one.

.

Definition of an Optimist

2010-09-14T23:37:00.000-07:00

My son's company received this laptop by courier. It came with a request for a quote to have it repaired. It appears to have been run over by a car, or possibly a truck. Now that's optimism.

Conroy's Filter - Public Service Announcement (2)

2010-08-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

Use Tor for browsing - there is also a Tor button for Firefox. Used correctly, it provides safety and privacy for those who need it. Using it doesn't make you a pirate or a pedophile.

"Tor is a network of virtual tunnels that allows people and groups to improve their privacy and security on the Internet. It also enables software developers to create new communication tools with built-in privacy features. Tor provides the foundation for a range of applications that allow organizations and individuals to share information over public networks without compromising their privacy.
Individuals use Tor to keep websites from tracking them and their family members, or to connect to news sites, instant messaging services, or the like when these are blocked by their local Internet providers. Tor's hidden services let users publish web sites and other services without needing to reveal the location of the site. Individuals also use Tor for socially sensitive communication: chat rooms and web forums for rape and abuse survivors, or people with illnesses.

Journalists use Tor to communicate more safely with whistleblowers and dissidents. Non-governmental organizations (NGOs) use Tor to allow their workers to connect to their home website while they're in a foreign country, without notifying everybody nearby that they're working with that organization.
Groups such as Indymedia recommend Tor for safeguarding their members' online privacy and security. Activist groups like the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) recommend Tor as a mechanism for maintaining civil liberties online. Corporations use Tor as a safe way to conduct competitive analysis, and to protect sensitive procurement patterns from eavesdroppers. They also use it to replace traditional VPNs, which reveal the exact amount and timing of communication. Which locations have employees working late? Which locations have employees consulting job-hunting websites? Which research divisions are communicating with the company's patent lawyers?

A branch of the U.S. Navy uses Tor for open source intelligence gathering, and one of its teams used Tor while deployed in the Middle East recently. Law enforcement uses Tor for visiting or surveilling web sites without leaving government IP addresses in their web logs, and for security during sting operations.

The variety of people who use Tor is actually part of what makes it so secure. Tor hides you among the other users on the network, so the more populous and diverse the user base for Tor is, the more your anonymity will be protected."

(Overview from the Tor site, reproduced via Creative Commons rules)

Lies! All lies!

2010-08-16T23:09:00.000-07:00

http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/federal-election/climate/scientists-say-global-warming-is-undeniable-20100816-12701.html

Well here we go again. Those evil, lying scientists are trying the old global warming con but I'm not falling for it. No sir, I've weighed the evidence on Fox News, read about the scientific papers from the Exxon Valdez Memorial Institute for the Unbiased Study of the Unchanging Climate and watched Glenn Beck. I know a communist plot by the New World Order when he tells me.

These white-coated frauds are just hustling for the ~~meager~~, Mega bucks in, er, those Grant things, whatever they are. I've worked in uni labs and seen those so-called professors* snorting blow off the dainty insteps of their graduate students^. I happen to know for certain - because I read it on the Internet - that CO2 is good for plants, meaning bigger crops and no food shortages. Also, who cares if some glaciers melt? I wasn't using them, were you? We should be concerned about real problems like stopping the dozens of savage boat people, waving their AKA-747's and smuggling nuclear weapons in their nappies, and jumping queues right left and centre. I was jumped in a queue once and I missed the seat I like at the front of the bus. If these boat people are allowed to land, our queues will never be safe again!

Besides, Pastor Jim told us at the big thanks4giving service that believing in AGW is unGodly. Only atheist scum believe it, because WE know that God looks after his people and would never let anything that bad happen to us. He protects us from natural disasters and the works of evil men. (Some smart-alec kid started mumbling about tsunamis and holocausts but Pastor Jim's ushers took him out the back and his family got told not to talk to him no more. Don't reckon he'll disturb the faithful again!)

So if them scientists are so smart, how come they call it "undeniable"? I can deny it all I want. It's a free country isn't it?

*(So-called because that's kinda their job)
^(Parts or all of this statement may be untrue)

I want to write the Blurbs

2010-08-16T18:44:00.000-07:00

I have a paperback devoted to quotes from Science Fiction and Fantasy books. It's called "Ghastly Beyond Belief" by Neil Gaiman and Kim Newman and there's a section dealing with the various kinds of blurbs on the back covers. Well, I just finished a classic (blurb, not book) and because I'm a cruel little man, I'm going to share. The book was "The Assassin" by Stephen Coonts (don't judge me, I just felt like a veggie read). Here is the annotated blurb.

Tommy Carmellini is a man who's known both sides of the law. (True)

But even as a burglar, he knew honour among thieves. (Never mentioned) Now firmly allied to

the CIA, (Is "allied" the same as full-time agent?) he can still recognise a traitor when he sees one.

(Great. Pity there are no traitors). And so tracking down Al Qaeda lieutenant (no, he isn't)

Abu Qasim has become a personal quest (no, it hasn't).

While trailing Abu Qasim (he never does, nor does anyone else), Tommy spots an

American mobster boarding a yacht in Capri. (There are no American mobsters, or yachts

and Capri is never mentioned in the book). Tommy's boss - Jake Grafton (he is!) fearing links

between the mob and Al Qaeda (no he doesn't. As above no mob, no Al Qaeda), sends

Tommy in even deeper to investigate. (Not exactly)

Meanwhile Fioratti (who?), Tommy's mobster (nope), is busy planning a terror-for-hire

strike that will make him rich beyond the dreams of avarice. (Maybe he is - in another book)

After all, global terror is big business. Some fight for their faith; others for cold hard cash.

Soon Tommy and Jake are embroiled in a stew of American and Russian mobsters,

(There. are. no. mobsters. in. this. book. And no stews and the Russians are all allies)

killers and thieves, and the clock is ticking. (Um, no thieves either)

So I'm puzzled. If it was the blurb for a totally different book that would just be a procedural error of some kind. But Grafton, Carmellini and Abu Qasim are all in there and Qasim is an Al Qaeda-like figure, there are Russians and a terror plot. So did the blurb-writer actually read it at all? If so, where did Fioratti and the mob come from? And why didn't Orion Books have the blurb read by an editor who'd actually read the book before sending it to print? These are all mysteries. Just not, you know, Meaning Of Life type mysteries.

Killer Turkey

2010-08-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

Let me introduce Colin. He attacks almost anything I move in my (his) back yard. The best part is when I walk down to the back gate past his mound and he kicks leaves all over me. He also pecks the wheels on the mower, drags the hose around and even goes for palm fronds, as seen above. Can anyone send me a photo of NowhereBob?

The Perils of Poor Planning

2010-07-25T04:55:00.000-07:00

The highly organised (and esteemed) Quokka arranged breakfast this morning for some Burgers at the Pancake Manor. The food was fine and the company excellent, but due to an inexplicable error by the staff, everyone who ordered coffee was given instead some deeply unpleasant liquid which most of us found undrinkable. (Quokka ordered tea. Just saying.) Photos follow, except for Monster Yuppy who left early to catch up on his housework - something about dusting his credenza?

Janet, Quokka, Morgana

The New-Look Mayhem

The long-suffering Fifi & Greybeard

Empty plates, full coffees - says it all

The planning problem came later when we had a "where are you" call from the Degenerate Dining Club for lunch. We thought a hearty breakfast, a food-free rest and Xmas in July 70's themed dinner would be fine. But no, it was for High Noon and as usual the DDC had catered for 2.5x the number of actual diners. Of course we could have skipped a course or two, but they're all such damned good cooks. Rita had done a fantastic job, with tinsel, stockings, antlers, Santa caps, hideous rotating festive musical devices and an amusing dog. The star-shaped place-card-cum-chokkie-boxes were particularly, um, 70's. Peter clearly needed nourishment after last weeks heart surgery and did more than his share. Much more. Personally I don't believe they gave him a bionic stomach.

Between courses. Fi, Phil & Jenni

Bionic Peter, Jenni, Horrified Greg, Barbara, Phil, Antlered Fi

UNFINISHED (I'm away to bed without any supper, and possibly no breakfast)

How to Deal with your Zombie Problem - in Australia

2010-07-15T18:33:00.000-07:00

I’ve been inspired by the redoubtable Mr Barnes[1] to add a small monograph on dealing with Zombies for the average Australian. As he has said, the recent development of artificial life in the form of bacteria with completely synthetic DNA means that the rise of Zed and the Zombie Apocalypse cannot be far away. Much has been written on this topic from the American viewpoint but we are unlikely to have access to pump-action shotguns or indeed the apparently limitless supply of handguns found in the USA. We must therefore manage with what is at hand. This paper describes weapons which are legal in all states except Victoria. If you live there, you must either emigrate or rely on running very, very fast indeed. Or be the kind of Victorian whose family appears in Underbelly[2].

(Each useful implement or "weapon" has been rated on a scale of 0 to 10 because a “1” might imply that they could possibly be of some use, however limited. Because different weapons are better suited to some environments than others, explanatory comments have also been appended. Illustrations include a matchbox for scale. (This should not be taken as an endorsement of Redhead products.))

For simplicity I have assumed that Zed will arise in the night and that the morning of the Apocalypse will find us at home. Or at someone's home anyway. The unprepared will probably dress and set off for the station to catch the 7:40 to Central, unaware that Mrs Griggs at the corner is now an undead monster with a lust for cerebellar gooeyness. They are doomed. Worse, they will add to the Z problem faced by the rest of us. Some may think to reduce this problem by preemptively beheading neighbours who show Z-like tendencies (I'm looking at you, Q). I do not recommend this, unless of course you have a foolproof method of body disposal. For example, it might be possible to conceal two or even three Irish backpackers in a single mildewed mattress during a kerbside pickup.

But I digress. If you are in the habit of checking news reports and your immediate neighbourhood for signs of Z, you're off to a good start. Now your first impulse will probably be to close windows, lock doors and arm yourself before even considering where to loot. This is good, but what if Z is already in the house or battering mindlessly at your pathetically fragile modern doors? In this case you must arm yourself immediately and destroy the invader!

Household objects, useless Score = 0/10

Seriously, if this is all you have, take off your clothes, squirt steak sauce on your head and run outside shouting “Here I am, eat me!”[3]

You really must do better than this.

Strictly speaking the boot knife may not be one of your household objects but there are all kinds of families, eh? Note, this not the kind of Smith and Wesson which will help you in a Zed attack.

Household objects, marginally useful Score 1/10 – 2/10

Now these are better but far from adequate. If you have only one old, slow Z to deal with, you might be lucky enough to reach the brain. Otherwise, practice your screaming and shambling.

Household objects, Marginal to Fair

Getting better. You have a real chance with some of these, assuming a reasonable speed and skill on your part. Chain saws frankly aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Unless they have a long bar, plenty of fuel and you have the upper-body strength to swing one around – forget it. Use the fuel for fire, transport or a generator.

Electric Chainsaw Score 3/10

Little electrics like the one shown will sever gray, livid arms, grasping with blind malevolence through your boarded-up windows. Until the power fails.

Short Axe Score 5/10

This is short but very sharp and heavy; nasty in confined spaces – a bit like me. Given a longer haft, this would be a 7/10

Household objects, Fair to Good

Now we’re talking! Note that these weapons give you some reach so you can avoid those rotting teeth and the virus-laden saliva that oozes around them.

Sledge. Score 6/10

Brush-hook. Score 6/10

Axe. Score 7/10

“Real” Weapons

In the words of Max Brooks, “shotguns are fine, but blades don’t run out of bullets”. Nevertheless we must consider several points about the blade (sorry).

To “kill” the Zombie, one must destroy the brain, though beheading is acceptable if the head itself is avoided. So the blade must enable us to reach the festering mass of hunger and rage-filled synapses and disrupt it, without getting bitten. Length is important!
Disabling a Zombie by the removal of, or severe damage to the limbs is very helpful. Hence a cutting edge is preferred, with one exception shown below.

Ideally then, we need a long, sharp blade which can lop limbs or heads or split a skull with equal ease. As we will see, not all blades are created equal – let the buyer beware!

Sabre (German, 1900-1918). Score 5/10

Why so low? A nice sword surely but too light and too short. De-limbing and beheading would take more skill and strength than most of us possess.

Sabre (British, early 20^th C). Score 6.5/10

Longer and heavier, excellent bell hilt for bite protection and face-punching. Older readers may remember when “Wilkinson Sword” was a brand of razor blade. How are the mighty fallen. This is a Wilkinson sword, by Henry Wilkinson of Pall Mall, by appt, etc.

Cutlass (modern but “real”). Score 5.5/10

Sharp and strong. Pity it isn’t longer but surprisingly good at maiming and the removal of digits. No home should be without one.

Foil (French, Leon Paul) Score 1/10 for novices, 7/10 for fencers.

A skilled fencer (hi Sarah) could put down Zeds all day with this little sweetie. Light as a feather and much better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Unless you happen to be one of the undead, in which case it’s far, far worse.

Two-handed sword (Modern but decent steel) Score 9/10

This will ~~cut a pig in half~~ assist greatly in the early stages of the preparation of meat products. Flexible enough to bend into a semicircle, sharp and pointy. Best of all, it’s stylish and will discourage other survivors from messing with your stuff.

And a Personal Favourite - the Halberd Score 9/10

This little sweetie has a shorter than usual haft for those confined indoor spaces, while giving a wide swing to keep the Life-Challenged at a respectful distance. The long terminal (love that word) spear can wreck that virus-driven Zed brain while both sides have skull-piercing spikes. Until the Apocalypse, just leave it near the front door in case of unwanted callers, in-laws etc.

Garbage Warning! Imitation, so-called weapons.

I bought this on the Net for $20-odd just to have an example of this trash. Otherwise it’s hard to explain to people the difference between a sword and a vaguely sword-shaped piece of cheap, low quality metal that tossers buy in fantasy shops. If you bend this “Sword of Zorro” just a little – very easy incidentally – it stays bent. Absolute rubbish. Avoid at all costs.

Still to come:

Turning your home into a lethal fortress
Convincing the examining doctors of your sanity
Escaping from a straitjacket
Looting - Brand-name or No-name. Should You Care?
Your Post-Apocalyptic Garden - Rose thorns can slow Zombies with careful planting
Potassium Hydroxide, Methanol and Zombie fat - make "true" Biodiesel which will run almost any unmodified engine.

[1] Watching, waiting, prepared.

[2] If you are reading this and your Victorian family was immortalised in “Underbelly” – well done you! No offense intended. Have a nice day.

[3] If for some perverse reason you should decide to practise this, choose your location carefully. Such behaviour is considered mildly eccentric in, say, West End, but may place you in immediate mortal danger in, say, Ipswich.

This graphic from a better man I stole . . .

2010-07-15T17:41:00.000-07:00

Finally, a way to put the love and use of Meat in Scientific terms

Conroy's Filter - Public Service Announcement

2010-06-02T18:22:00.000-07:00

May I recommend Startpage Australia to anyone who finds the Conroy filter insulting, demeaning or ominous?

This is a Netherlands-based meta-search engine* from the company Ixquick. It claims to be the most private search engine in the world by deleting user IP addresses after searching, using SSL encryption and using an integrated proxy to anonymise all traffic linked through search results. In other words, if you search for "euthanasia help" through this engine, your IP address (and thus your identity) is not revealed to any site which you access by directly following the search page link. If you bookmarked that page and later followed the bookmark, your personal IP address would be visible to that site.The proxy part also means that your ISP - which will have to apply Conroy's filter - can't see your search terms and therefore can't block or record them. Proxies apparently work to circumvent China's Great Firewall as well as the Conroy Wall of Ignorance.

The European privacy consortium, EuroPriSe, found Ixquick deleted all non-personal information within 14 days, and awarded the company its first ICT-focused privacy seal in 2008, so this isn't like Facebook. They really seem to provide privacy.

No doubt there will be any number of ways of brushing aside this ludicrous filter but if enough people use this one, they may put their servers in Australia, thus improving its speed.

*Meta-search simply means that they submit your search terms to Google, Yahoo, Bing, Altavista, uncle Tom Cobleigh and all, and send back to you a summary of the results. Sorry if you knew that already. You can go back and unread the first sentence of this para if you're a fellow geek. Actually, if you apply that recursively, this would be the only sentence left and a very confusing one at that.

Animals of Chelmer

2010-05-04T22:58:00.000-07:00

So I get these two phone calls, pretty early & about five minutes apart. First one's a software problem (typical, the room's full of other people's PC's & laptops getting some TLC) and the second is the dear little old lady across the street, who has yet another snake problem. And I realise that for 30+ years, I've been fixing exactly these two types of problem, sometimes for the same people or organisations, though never at the same time. I seem doomed to be half mongoose, half nerd. So I thought I'd put up some snaps of a few beasties I've known, removed or nursed to health.

This was the latest. A little carpet python from her garden shed.

Kind of cute, so I set it to guard the avocado tree.

Now you see that hole there? That's yer problem. And yer see how he's all folded up like a spring? Well that means he's about to . . .

Um, yeah. OK, you probably shouldn't do that.

Now this one is a little bigger, though still a harmless carpet.

And these photos turn out to take forever to upload, so I'll resize some, add a few non-carpets, and get back.

Flash! Man Flu Exists!

2010-04-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

It would appear, O possessors of the XX (aka Double-crossers) that we were right all along. The men of the planet await your apologies - collectively or en mass.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/04/09/2868220.htm

As it says on Spike Milligan's tombstone - "See, I told you I was sick"

iPad needs a new word?

2010-04-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

Hmm, The Sun, The Australian and the Courier Mail as paid apps? I'm thinking Tabletoid Journalism.

A small Burger Breakfast

2010-03-18T17:23:00.000-07:00

Menus here: http://www.locknloadbistro.com.au/menus/LocknLoadBistroBreakfastMenu.pdf

Your booking has been confirmed with Lock n Load (Westend)

Booking Confirmation (27UU)         Restaurant:         Lock n Load (Westend)      
         Name:         Mr Greg Randolph      
         Booking ID:         27UU      
         Date:         Sunday 28 March 10      
         Time:         9:00 AM      
         People:         6      
         Phone:         0412 xxxxxx     
         Email:         greg.randolph@xxx.xxx.au
 
If anyone else can come (and all Burgers and Insignificant Others are welcome), leave a message here and I'll try to increase the numbers.      

The Attacks on Scientology

2010-03-13T04:34:00.000-08:00

So Senator Nick Xenophon won't let up on Scientology eh? Xeno-phon or Xenu-phon? Coincidence? I think not!

This is also a little experiment. Do Scientology's enforcers troll the web for negative comments? Do they still put rattlesnakes in your letterbox? Does L Ron Hubbard's fiction stink, even unto high heaven - and I include the ludicrous Dianetics in his fictional oeuvre?

Blogs, Forums, Mailing Lists, Clubs and any other human collection

2010-03-01T02:56:00.000-08:00

This is from 1996 when I was on quite a few tech & history mailing lists. Kind of the ancestor of the blog. Not my own work.

THE NATURAL LIFE CYCLE OF MAILING LISTS

Every list seems to go through the same cycle:

1. Initial enthusiasm (people introduce themselves, and gush a lot about how wonderful it is to find kindred souls).

2. Evangelism (people moan about how few folks are posting to the list, and brainstorm recruitment strategies).

3. Growth (more and more people join, more and more lengthy threads develop, occasional off-topic threads pop up).

4. Community (lots of threads, some more relevant than others; lots of information and advice is exchanged; experts help other experts as well as less experienced colleagues; friendships develop; people tease each other; newcomers are welcomed with generosity and patience; everyone -- newbie and expert alike -- feels comfortable asking questions, suggesting answers, and sharing opinions).

5. Discomfort with diversity (the number of messages increases dramatically; not every thread is fascinating to every reader; people start complaining about the signal-to-noise ratio; person 1 threatens to quit if *other* people don't limit discussion to person 1's pet topic; person 2 agrees with person 1; person 3 tells 1 & 2 to lighten up; more bandwidth is wasted complaining about off-topic threads than is used for the threads themselves; everyone gets annoyed).

6a. Smug complacency and stagnation (the purists flame everyone who asks an 'old' question or responds with humor to a serious post; newbies are rebuffed; traffic drops to a doze-producing level of a few minor issues; all interesting discussions happen by private email and are limited to a few participants; the purists spend lots of time self-righteously congratulating each other on keeping off-topic threads off the list).

6b. Maturity (a few people quit in a huff; the rest of the participants stay near stage 4, with stage 5 popping up briefly every few weeks; many people wear out their second or third 'delete' key, but the list lives contentedly ever after).

I used to bail out at 5, unless it was something I needed to stick with for professional purposes. Sometimes I think the Blunty/Burger blogs are creeping towards 6a. Hope not. Nothing much about online communities has changed though, even since the 80's and strange things called "Bulletin Boards". We're still people.

My Trip to Sydney - or - There and Back Again

2010-02-21T16:37:00.000-08:00

Whew - little visit from the dog there. Now that I've got Global Warming pushed to the back of my brain again, something more cheerful. Unless you're Nowhere Bob.

The Woman of My Dreams decided a while back to go and see her Baby Brother in Sydney. As she is the captain of Starship Greybeard she needed only to turn to me, nod firmly and say the magic words "make it so, Number 2". I have never had the courage to ask her why she calls me that. I fear that I might not like the answer. Nevertheless & obedient as always I arranged flights and accommodation for us and her parents. Fortunately our driver picked us from the airport in good time and took us to the corner of an abandoned warehouse in Crown St until it was time for our show.

It was a brilliant idea on my part to employ a local guide, if I say so myself. Parking in that area of Sydney is absolutely appalling. I can't understand why they don't put a decent multistory carpark in that wasted green space near the Opera House. No vision these politicians. Our guide however knew a great place to park, right under those big front steps. The problem would be getting past the guards. Surely (I thought) they would allow a famous & well loved Holy Man to drive right in? Yes!

I did consider becoming the corpulent cleric Ayatollah Bin Lahdi, but that was too close to the Chasers stunt and I don't think that "lovable" was in his job description. But what of His Holiness the Dahlia Llama? Swiftly applying my amazing powers of disguise (for an explanation, see my forthcoming book "Seven Years among the Thespians") I transformed into the popular Tibetan. We drove confidently through the various barriers as I dispensed inane smiles, waves and blessings to all and sundry, and parked just outside the door. To be honest, our guide's appearance didn't help. With wild hair, tatts and sunnies he looked more like an off-duty rock star than a suitable chauffeur. Luckily my deception carried the day and I forgave him.

The performance was quite pleasant, if a little loud, and featured the works of the late J R (Johnny) Cash. I actually found my toes tapping at some points. The audience leaped about, shouting, clapping and whistling so I presume they were enjoying themselves according to the mores of their own culture. Our guide had provided excellent seats (local knowledge!) at the centre of the theatre, and just a couple of rows back - so as not to be sprinkled by the perspiration of the performers apparently. The nice people at the box office refused payment for the tickets, presumably as they recognised us as tourists.

After the entertainment our guide took us back to rest for a while. Just as the pangs of hunger began to bite he and his charming family ushered us to a delightful Italian place where we ate and drank rather too much for many an hour. And so to bed, rising thence to fly back to dear old Brisbane, cheerful despite our dreadful headaches - no doubt due to Sydney's suspect water quality. The moral of this tale is clear. If you must travel to strange parts and far off places, it is essential to find a first-class local guide to steer you past the pitfalls. I tipped him as we left and the poor fellow was absolutely speechless. And Bob? I told him about you and the "nemesis" business and he said something about "wishing you luck". Can't think what he meant?

Is Civilisation Doomed & Should I Worry

2010-02-20T22:59:00.000-08:00

The following may offend some people -assuming they ever read it - but that's OK, they offend me too.

I've been obsessed by science, the practice of science, its "method", its principles, its promise and excitement since I was a very small boy. A "freaky" small boy who read newspapers before starting year 1 and Southey's "Life of Nelson" at age 6. It was boring and they "talked funny" but I still have it on the shelves. By then I was reading adult fiction but mainly encyclopedias which I loved with a passion & always hoped for at Xmas. Later I taught physics & biology for years before being seduced by IT. If my science classes were popular, I think it was because the kids recognised genuine passion for the subjects and appreciated that we would always go beyond the textbook, into the latest articles and discoveries and into where this might take us. Science was, in a sense, my religion and my hope for the future of the world. Back then it was respected, even by business and mining magnates, largely because it continued to make them ever richer. And of course by the general public, who would live for centuries, without disease and only work two days a week. Oddly enough I don't recall actual scientists making those predictions but there they were in the magazines anyway.

Then we ("we" because I include myself in the sub-species sciencewonkia) discovered that DDT could exterminate entire species, even useful ones, that radiation didn't magically go away when you didn't need it, that the Ozone Hole was growing, that Climate was Changing. And thus everything changed. Rachel Carson's famous "Silent Spring" probably started the demonisation of science and scientists. Here was a book that had the potential to reduce profits. Just to save some insects and fish and ducks and hawks that no true-blue capitalist could possibly care about. Clearly scientists had become dangerous. They were discovering things that would have best remained hidden and publishing their findings! Then it was remembered that many of them were godless, evil, Satan-worshipping evolutionists. Yet another nail in their coffin. So, gradually yet within my working lifetime, we have moved from the people who made you healthier, made your world richer and more exciting, who helped humanity, to a cabal of lying, self-serving, grant-scrounging, monster-making alarmist villains. The LHC will create a black hole and destroy the earth! And the scientists don't care! Well we would if that were anything but utter crap. Hey, we live here too.

Above all of course is Anthropogenic Climate Change. The "Greatest Con Job Ever". Except of course it isn't. Sure you can find tiny, insignificant mistakes - maybe even lies. A famous Korean scientist lied about cloning and was disgraced & kicked out. Oddly enough, no one seems to have decided that this meant that cloning itself was a total fraud? And yes, you can find a bunch of scientists who will rail against it. Most of them are right out of their area of expertise - as valid as a dentist criticising string theory. He could indeed be right but it's not very likely. Others are like Lord Monkton - a non-scientist, non-mathematician, non-anything useful who has demonstrably lied about his own background. Against them we have the vast body of world scientific research - not opinion, research. Science isn't a democracy but sheer volume of peer-reviewed research has to count. Quite a lot.

What irritates me is that so much of the evidence is available to ANYONE with eyes. Take all the fuss about "Himalayan glaciers". Ooooh, another fraud of the climate scientists eh? So, Google "reduction glaciers" and look at the photographs. So: maybe this is natural and unrelated to the rising CO2/Methane levels during this period. Bloody unlikely, even ludicrously unlikely but possible. Just. Even if that were so, the process still represents a massive danger to: crop production, island communities, populated coastal areas (like virtually every coastal area that's habitable). Add to that the masses of other evidence from so many totally different sources and our choice, in scientific terms, is simple; Fix it or Die.

Now the Deniers are clearly winning. They have the money, the spin-doctors, the paid politicians, Fox News and the works. Effectively they've won and we will not fix it. Instead we are going to die. Billions of hunger and thirst, millions more in "water wars", millions more of disease and the general violence that accompanies the downfall of any civilisation. And that makes me angry. At the Deniers, at myself for not helping more, at scientists everywhere because we were outmaneuvered. We lost the war before we even knew we were being attacked, because that's not the way we think. But especially at the Deniers.

So who are they, these Climate Change Deniers? After a little thought I've tentatively classified them as:

1. The ones who know the truth but do not care. Generally rich or relatively so, they are sociopaths who have no real empathy for younger or 'future' humans, even their own descendants. Wealth and power are their only interests. Motto: "Apres moi, le deluge" or "I'll have my fun and stuff you all when I'm gone". If any are alive when AGW is too obvious for anyone to deny, they should be placed on what is left of a small Pacific island and left to die, whether by drowning, starvation, cannibalism or suicide. All are acceptable.

2. The Paid Liars. Like the scientists who produced exactly the results specified by the Tobacco companies, these are traitors to their own species. Includes PR firms working for the energy industry and anyone working for Fox News. Quite a large group. Their names should be placed on a list, with photographs, and widely circulated. I imagine that dying communities will find some appropriate reward.

3. The "Look at ME - I want to be FAMOUS" scientists. And how does a mediocre scientist of no achievement become famous in the "popular" press? By presenting an anti-AGW argument. No matter how unqualified, tenuous, or specious it may be, you will be on the list. TV appearances, quotes in the papers, grants from industry - all this can be yours. Some are probably self-deluded members of the largest group below, others just honestly wrong. Too bad. They've helped kill us anyway. I'm feeling harsh, so put them on the list with 2.

4. The Fools. Most blog postings come from this group. They cannot spell, capitalise or generally communicate effectively in any way. Often oppose anything "sciency" owing to a massive and well justified inferiority complex. Also oppose AGW on political grounds. Either it is a left-wing anti-wealth plot or part of the New World Order plot by the Jews and Big Business. Posts are generally short - "yah cant fool me its all crap". May be left to live or die by their own efforts. More to be pitied than blamed despite their annoying nature. We should have done more for them, and should be ashamed. I am.

5. Finally, the largest group of all. The Cowards. Truly those "In Denial". Faced with the worst disaster in human history, their cowardly minds cannot cope. They poke their heads firmly into the sand or hold their hands over their ears and shout "la, la, la" because to see, to hear, to understand and thus to believe is far too terrifying to contemplate. Fond of citing obscure articles which they have never read and wouldn't understand. Fond of quoting discredited pseudo-scientists like Monkton et al, or referring to vague lists of dissenting scientists which they have also never seen. Conversation (and blogs) contain comments such as "I'm not convinced by the evidence" or "there are too many questions/doubts" or "what about (insert so-called "scandal" here) - that proves it's all a lie". Not to be confused with the Fools, these people may be intelligent but their prime motivation is pure cowardice. We've all heard of the person who knows that "that mole" is getting bigger and darker but utterly refuses to go to a doctor. As long as they don't know the truth, they can pretend that everything is all right. So they shout at those who try to tell them, abuse them, stop talking to them. We've seen this in blogs, we've probably seen it in friends and workmates. The effort to save ourselves is too great, their selfishness too large. Give up my V8? Give up fossil-fueled cars??! Go Solar? Live more simply? Reduce my standard of living!? PAY to fix this?? Pay with MY taxes, MY money, MY precious . . . ? Are we mad? Well yes I am. Very, very angry indeed. If I'm still around when civilisation goes belly-up and I have the option of dying slowly and unpleasantly or some other way, I might remember Poirot's Last Case.

Advice For Those Contemplating Parenthood

2010-02-05T22:36:00.000-08:00

Assuming that you do not have children, are of breeding age, possess a suitable partner and one or more normal parents, it is probable that you have felt a certain "pressure" to add to humanity's teeming hordes. Even friends and contemporaries who have embarked on this terrifying process may try in subtle ways to influence you. They imagine that by thrusting the malodorous fruit-of-their-loins into your shrinking arms that you will be inspired to begin breeding your own at once. (If you are taken in by this ploy, it is best to at least find another room first. Supermarkets etc are most unsuitable.) It is preferable to begin this mind-control process by using a child which is utilising its highly evolved "look how cute I am, don't eat me" defense mechanism. I have used my youngest offspring to illustrate this behaviour. The urge to perpetuate our genes is so strong that even though we know it's a trick, our hormones can make us fall for it.

Sometimes "they" will make use of an older child in a rare moment of "cuteness". This is even more insidious since it provides a largely false hope that the creature will continue to provide you with long term emotional benefits. At this point many couples will succumb to the combination of peer/parental pressure and their own hormones. from this point, they are doomed.

After many years of worry, torment, sleepless nights - and having spent approximately the GDP of Iceland on each offspring, things will get much worse. Note the appalling changes that time and ever-growing evil have wrought on my example. "Ah" you may say, "but surely they will leave home and you can enjoy the pleasures of the empty nest". But you would be wrong. If (and this is by no means certain) they leave, it is only so that they can return to dash your hopes. Some will stay until decrepitude drives you to the nursing home (although ours has stated a preference for abandoning us in a large shopping centre).

Finally, you may hope, there will be the pride of seeing your offspring reach full maturity. Of knowing that you have given something of value to the world. Your gift to humanity and posterity. Don't hold your breath. Unless he's brought his washing home. Again.

A Tale Revealing the True Nature of Wives

2010-01-26T22:00:00.000-08:00

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness". Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but.... your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis." They work great but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want." But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five before and get nine now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine before and you decide to only invest in five inches now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite bench tops."

Apple is Bad. But . . .

2010-01-19T23:13:00.000-08:00

OK, I don't like Apple. I used to, having cut my teeth on a ][e (how long since I typed that!) and admiring the young Jobs. But now their Evil Empire attitude & legions of zombie fanboys have put me right off. I don't want a fragile, sealed-in battery, sealed-in apps, iPod or iPhone even though I love the interface. So why am I just a little excited about Jan 27th? Why do I really want to see this tablet thingy? If that's what it is. Because I'm weak. And a geek. And there's still a little bit of hope that Jobs might slide a beautiful slate out of his envelope and announce that it's been tested for six months by carefully selected Violent Mountain Gorillas without being scratched or broken. And the battery comes out just here, where you put the SIM card in. And it will cost $399.95 in Australia. Tomorrow.

Or I could just go and get a quickpick in the Lotto. And a Guinness.

Why the Kindle deserves to fail miserably

2010-01-14T01:29:00.000-08:00

I really want an eBook reader. Trouble is, my concept of such a gadget is light-years away from the #1 seller, the insipid Kindle. Words fail me when I contemplate the stupidity of the Amazon business model - clearly inspired by Apple.

http://www.computerworld.com.au/article/280250/site_removes_ebook_script_reference_after_amazon_threat/

It's like PCs if we were forbidden to run any software that wasn't sold by Microsoft, or even to advise others on how to do it. According to Amazon I should have a Kindle to read their stuff, a Nook to read anything from Barnes & Noble, a Spring Design Alex (Nook-like but better) for Borders etc, et-bleeding-cetera.

Apart from a gazillion real books (roughly 7k?) I already have about 5000 e-books, in formats including ePub, pdf, cbz, cbr, txt, rtf, doc, html and probably others I can't recall. Many are from Gutenberg, or are articles rather than books, even more are out of print or unobtainable in any other format. And since I prefer paper, I've tried 2nd hand bookshops on line & locally. So what would be my ideal e-book reader?

Screen big enough to read a magazine page at full size without scrolling.
Full colour.
Pages that turn as fast as paper, and by a similar motion, thus -
Touch screen, preferably capacitive but I'll take resistive if I have to.
Can run 'reader' software for the above formats, plus DRM protected files from ANY bookseller/publisher, thus -
Windows 7 OS, though I'd be happy with Android or any flavour of Linux as long as it works.

Since more functions = more value for us geeks, I'd also like

WiFi web browsing with a 3G option.
Local storage by SDHC or SDXC (Can't believe SD cards are going to 1TB soon)
HD video decoding with HDMI output.

Sounds to me like a netbook in a tablet format with an 11" or 12" screen? Battery life doesn't greatly concern me. I already have solar and wind-up rechargers and would rarely use it far from power anyway. The screen can be LCD, Pixel Qi, OLED or whatever. Couldn't care less as long as I can read it (modern LCDs don't seem to cause any problems). So what are my chances? Is that too big an ask? Should I get a 2nd hand netbook on ebay and start modding it? The only thing I'm sure of is that the Kindle and its proprietary, restrictive, monochrome ilk don't tempt me in the slightest.

Merry Madness - or - Gift Guzzling

2010-01-02T19:10:00.000-08:00

Ah, the Curse of Christmas is past, the guests - having arrived early and left late - are gone and the wrappings are in the bin. I'd thought the stories about parents buying masses of gifts were a bit of a beat-up until Der Tag. You could have wrapped a tennis court with the paper alone. Kids of 4, 2 (almost) and 6 months? I swear the gift-piles were larger than the kids - really! Never mind that most of it made no impact, created little interest and was discarded in favour of boxes and wrapping to play with. Babies do not need or benefit from this expensive junk.

On the other hand, Think Geek (unpaid plug) provided the usual range of tasteless and yet usable gifts for me offspring. The matching bathmat and shower curtain in white with 'Psycho' style footprints, splatters, hand-prints and streaks in a sort of blood red. The Star Trek 'red-shirt' t-shirt with Expendable thereon. Gifts to cherish and remember.

Now they'll take us seriously. . .

2009-08-18T17:45:00.001-07:00

My understanding of zombie biology is that if you manage to decapitate a zombie then it's dead forever

Professor Neil Ferguson

Iss the BBC innit? Iss gotta be right, eh?

Some employees OTOH . . .

2009-08-17T15:38:00.001-07:00

Decided to make the jump (lurch) to Blu-ray. Off to JBHiFi for an LG that plays H.264, mpeg and the evil mkv files as well as DivX. Worked well for a week or two, then started freezing in mid-movie. Not good. Back to JB Indooroopilly, ready for the fray. Out in 15 minutes with a brand new one thanks to Brad. No arguments, no sending it off to be fixed, lost, dropped, lost again etc. Just take this new one sir. Not only does this one work brilliantly (I was a bit leery of LG as a brand) but ol' Brad has guaranteed good word-of-mouth publicity and my future business. And he knew what he was talking about!

Useless Employees?

2009-08-17T15:12:00.000-07:00

My son and hairy decided to get a new car, largely because the Magna died rather suddenly and permanently. Being a life-long student with part-time jobs, he heads off to Credit Union Australia for a loan.
1. "Certainly sir, no problem there, you'll have your money in a few days".
2. "Sorry sir, as you're a student, you'll need a co-signer". (They knew he was a student, it was on the forms and in the original discussion, so. . .?) "No problem then."
3. "Sorry sir, it turns out we don't loan money to students. Ever. Even with well paid jobs. Even when the co-signer has a well paid job. Ever." (WIH couldn't one of these prawns have said that in the first 5 minutes instead of stuffing us about for over a week?)

Round 2, off to the Teachers Credit Union.
1. "Certainly sir, no problem with you being a student as long as you have a co-signer."
2. "Yes, the payslips etc are all in order, you'll have the cheque in no time."
3. "Sorry sir, we can't give you a loan at all. In fact we can't give your mother a loan if your name is on the application. At all. Ever."

Bear in mind he has excellent references, good work record, steady jobs, no bad credit history or criminal record. It's just because he's a student. Now if that is their policy, fine. They can exclude who they like I guess. But why couldn't any of these idiots just tell him that as soon as he walked in the door? Weeks of messing around, pointless collection & filling in of forms, waiting for approval which was always "no problem", "easy". Is it too much to ask that these people know their own companies policies?

Time for brunch?

2009-07-03T17:29:00.000-07:00

What a great start to Saturday morning. Check clock - 10.04am. Check wife - snoring at acceptable level. Check weather - bright, clear and pleasantly cool, maybe walk over to Indro for brunch. Why bother blogging this? To give hope to any who may have spent the last 4 hours on child-wrangling, soccer/ballet/netball transport etc, etc. Eventually they either leave or, in the case of our dear son, turn into semi-mythical creatures. Some days we only know he's here because there are strange noises in the night and the tell-tale spoor of dirty socks under the coffee table. And the fridge raids.

Anyway, there is light ahead for all you poor parents. Sleeping in, staying up late, drinking too much, talking rubbish till 3am. It's all there waiting for you. Hang in.

Bearded Nutjobs indeed

2009-07-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

Memo to Self: Must remember to issue a fatwah against that NowhereBob chap. Cheeky young infidel implied that I may have been a bearded nutter. Must be some bits he can do without?

My Latest Theory (by Anne Elk)

2009-07-03T02:05:00.001-07:00

This theory came (in a flash of inspiration naturally) while sitting out the back burning sticks in the brazier and drinking red. Several reds. See, I like fires. Not big nasty ones but the sort you can sit and stare into for hours. You can poke them, stir them, throw stuff in, watch the sparks and coals, even cook things. And having some bits feel warm while the rest are cold somehow gives you more of a sense of 'conquering the elements' than flicking a switch can. I said it was like nature's screensaver but The Woman gave me one of those 'looks'.

Thing is, most animals are scared of fire and run like the dickens. Except rhinoceroses which of course stamp them out with their large flat feet. So I started thinking about why most humans enjoy the whole campfire thing while Naked Saharan Mole-Rats* (for example) don't. The answer is of course evolution (unless you're my son's ex's mother who can't even say the word without choking and waits daily for the rapture. By all indications that's the only rapture the cold-hearted brain-dead, grasping ... but I digress). I reckon that some Homo Hairybackus's just happened to be a bit odd about fire. Instead of running, they hung around and played with it like us. Maybe some even carried it around on the end of a stick, like an Olympic torch relay but with more grunting and scratching than one tends to see today. Some may have pushed different things in it to see what would happen, as you do. If one of those things was meat - well, I think you see where this is going. Yes, Gordon Ramsay. Before you know it, Tarquin's warm winter fire has attracted a swarm of potential mates and the fire-loving genes are on their way down to us. (I refuse to call early hominids Og or Thag as I believe this to be a form of racial stereotyping. Henceforth let us call them Tarquin or Nigel.)

* I mention Naked Saharan Mole-Rats because they are, IMHO, the world's ugliest and most disgusting mammal. More people should know this so that one day we Mole-Rat Haters can rise up and exterminate them all. If you think this is unjustified, google them and see for yourself. Especially the part where they eat their own faeces or feed the green ones to their baby rats or something. I've had pet rats and nursed injured pythons so I'm not squeamish but these things are just wrong.

Lazy Teachers

2009-06-30T19:18:00.001-07:00

My dear one has been marking essays this morning since before I arose from swinish slumber. This is the third day, flat out, with shorter breaks than anyone, anywhere would get for food etc. Goes on into the night until I tempt her away with comfort food & a bottle of red and maybe a distracting movie. (WARNING: "Knowing" was a baaad choice. I curse all involved)

While I'm at it, I curse all who sneer at teachers, their holidays, their easy jobs and all such ignorant twaddle. Try a few months in front of 30 feral year 9s with litigious and brain-dead parents to back them up. Try eyeballing some cretin who's 15cm taller, built like a bus and telling him he really must give you those nun-chucks etc. Pah!

A little Knowing is a dangerous thing

2009-06-30T04:39:00.001-07:00

I have just watched "Knowing". My brain tried to escape through my left nostril and I lost the will to live. All those responsible for this utter dog of a movie should be condemned to watch it repeatedly, as per Clockwork Orange, until they are catatonic or very, very sorry indeed. It even has Beethoven in the score. It's too late for me but you can still save yourselves. Do. Not. Watch. It.

Microsoft rips us off yet again

2009-06-29T22:37:00.000-07:00

I love Windows 7 (aka Vista Light, Vista Right, Vista SP2 etc). Whatever you call it, I've been running it on one PC for over a year (3 versions) and on another since the release of RC1. Even ran it in a VM under XP. Whatever the test scores, it ran beautifully on my test machine, an old P4, 3.2GHz with just 1GB of RAM. Fast starts, few crashes even with the beta, great hardware recognition and drivers for almost anything. Since I've been a good laddie & sent any bug info, crash data etc off to Microsoft, I foolishly thought there might be a bit of a discount at the end of it - no promises from MS I know, but it seemed like a good idea for them. Might have soothed some of the very unhappy Vista customers who, after all, are basically paying for a giant bug-fix/service pack.

So in the US you can pre-order Home Premium for $49.99 or Professional for $99.99. For a couple of weeks. In Australia you can damn well wait till Oct 22nd and pay $199 and $399 for the equivalent upgrades. Four (4) times as much. And I'm going to pay $400 - $800 to upgrade? I think not Mr Ballmer. Back to XP & Ubuntu until I upgrade the hardware.

Oh and Europe & Japan also get discounts (less than the US of course) but Oz gets zip. Again.

Good Stuff

2009-06-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

Insanely fast PCs that sound just like trains
Zombies that lurch and devour our brains
Swords axes and daggers, whatever goes ‘zing’
These are a few of my favourite things.

Good cleanskin Merlot and pizzas by Capers
Angrily browsing through each morning’s papers
Sipping Laphroig, while I feel like a king
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the Libs win, when the Mormon rings
When I'm totally mad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so had.

Thank {insert relevant Diety here} for the Interweb

2009-06-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

At last I have joined the ranks of those with nothing to say and the perfect platform for saying it. Blog on brother, keep the faith & maintain the rage.