Friday, February 5, 2010

Advice For Those Contemplating Parenthood

Assuming that you do not have children, are of breeding age, possess a suitable partner and one or more normal parents, it is probable that you have felt a certain "pressure" to add to humanity's teeming hordes. Even friends and contemporaries who have embarked on this terrifying process may try in subtle ways to influence you. They imagine that by thrusting the malodorous fruit-of-their-loins into your shrinking arms that you will be inspired to begin breeding your own at once. (If you are taken in by this ploy, it is best to at least find another room first. Supermarkets etc are most unsuitable.) It is preferable to begin this mind-control process by using a child which is utilising its highly evolved "look how cute I am, don't eat me" defense mechanism. I have used my youngest offspring to illustrate this behaviour. The urge to perpetuate our genes is so strong that even though we know it's a trick, our hormones can make us fall for it.

Sometimes "they" will make use of an older child in a rare moment of "cuteness". This is even more insidious since it provides a largely false hope that the creature will continue to provide you with long term emotional benefits. At this point many couples will succumb to the combination of peer/parental pressure and their own hormones. from this point, they are doomed.

After many years of worry, torment, sleepless nights - and having spent approximately the GDP of Iceland on each offspring, things will get much worse. Note the appalling changes that time and ever-growing evil have wrought on my example. "Ah" you may say, "but surely they will leave home and you can enjoy the pleasures of the empty nest". But you would be wrong. If (and this is by no means certain) they leave, it is only so that they can return to dash your hopes. Some will stay until decrepitude drives you to the nursing home (although ours has stated a preference for abandoning us in a large shopping centre).

Finally, you may hope, there will be the pride of seeing your offspring reach full maturity. Of knowing that you have given something of value to the world. Your gift to humanity and posterity. Don't hold your breath. Unless he's brought his washing home. Again.


  1. Ah yes, the washing that gets sent home.
    Council sent us a very nasty letter about the increased water usage that ensued.

  2. Hmm don't tell me all this, still at the scraping poo out of Spiderman undies stage. And it's not even mine, honest.

  3. Mine keeps asking me when I plan to move to Melbourne. He told his Aunt the other day that he can't wait, 'cos it means he'll be able to move out of home!

  4. I'd like some clever scientist jonny to invent retrospective contraception.

    Why do I who got it over & done with early, have to suffer passive parenting from my late breeding friends.
    My revenge will be my yacht on the Mediterrainian when I'm 65, whereas they will still be driving kids to soccer & paying for orthodontists. Bwahaha.

    Miss Mayhem mine has expectations that when she enrolls in uni her parents will run along & play leaving her the house @ the beach.