(Each useful implement or "weapon" has been rated on a scale of 0 to 10 because a “1” might imply that they could possibly be of some use, however limited. Because different weapons are better suited to some environments than others, explanatory comments have also been appended. Illustrations include a matchbox for scale. (This should not be taken as an endorsement of Redhead products.))
For simplicity I have assumed that Zed will arise in the night and that the morning of the Apocalypse will find us at home. Or at someone's home anyway. The unprepared will probably dress and set off for the station to catch the 7:40 to Central, unaware that Mrs Griggs at the corner is now an undead monster with a lust for cerebellar gooeyness. They are doomed. Worse, they will add to the Z problem faced by the rest of us. Some may think to reduce this problem by preemptively beheading neighbours who show Z-like tendencies (I'm looking at you, Q). I do not recommend this, unless of course you have a foolproof method of body disposal. For example, it might be possible to conceal two or even three Irish backpackers in a single mildewed mattress during a kerbside pickup.
But I digress. If you are in the habit of checking news reports and your immediate neighbourhood for signs of Z, you're off to a good start. Now your first impulse will probably be to close windows, lock doors and arm yourself before even considering where to loot. This is good, but what if Z is already in the house or battering mindlessly at your pathetically fragile modern doors? In this case you must arm yourself immediately and destroy the invader!
Household objects, useless Score = 0/10
Household objects, marginally useful Score 1/10 – 2/10
Household objects, Marginal to Fair
Household objects, Fair to Good
- To “kill” the Zombie, one must destroy the brain, though beheading is acceptable if the head itself is avoided. So the blade must enable us to reach the festering mass of hunger and rage-filled synapses and disrupt it, without getting bitten. Length is important!
- Disabling a Zombie by the removal of, or severe damage to the limbs is very helpful. Hence a cutting edge is preferred, with one exception shown below.
Sabre (German, 1900-1918). Score 5/10
Cutlass (modern but “real”). Score 5.5/10
Two-handed sword (Modern but decent steel) Score 9/10
And a Personal Favourite - the Halberd Score 9/10
This little sweetie has a shorter than usual haft for those confined indoor spaces, while giving a wide swing to keep the Life-Challenged at a respectful distance. The long terminal (love that word) spear can wreck that virus-driven Zed brain while both sides have skull-piercing spikes. Until the Apocalypse, just leave it near the front door in case of unwanted callers, in-laws etc.
Garbage Warning! Imitation, so-called weapons.
Still to come:
- Turning your home into a lethal fortress
- Convincing the examining doctors of your sanity
- Escaping from a straitjacket
- Looting - Brand-name or No-name. Should You Care?
- Your Post-Apocalyptic Garden - Rose thorns can slow Zombies with careful planting
- Potassium Hydroxide, Methanol and Zombie fat - make "true" Biodiesel which will run almost any unmodified engine.