Lies! All lies!

http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/federal-election/climate/scientists-say-global-warming-is-undeniable-20100816-12701.html

Well here we go again. Those evil, lying scientists are trying the old global warming con but I'm not falling for it. No sir, I've weighed the evidence on Fox News, read about the scientific papers from the Exxon Valdez Memorial Institute for the Unbiased Study of the Unchanging Climate and watched Glenn Beck. I know a communist plot by the New World Order when he tells me.

These white-coated frauds are just hustling for the meager, Mega bucks in, er, those Grant things, whatever they are. I've worked in uni labs and seen those so-called professors* snorting blow off the dainty insteps of their graduate students^. I happen to know for certain - because I read it on the Internet - that CO2 is good for plants, meaning bigger crops and no food shortages. Also, who cares if some glaciers melt? I wasn't using them, were you? We should be concerned about real problems like stopping the dozens of savage boat people, waving their AKA-747's and smuggling nuclear weapons in their nappies, and jumping queues right left and centre. I was jumped in a queue once and I missed the seat I like at the front of the bus. If these boat people are allowed to land, our queues will never be safe again!

Besides, Pastor Jim told us at the big thanks4giving service that believing in AGW is unGodly. Only atheist scum believe it, because WE know that God looks after his people and would never let anything that bad happen to us. He protects us from natural disasters and the works of evil men. (Some smart-alec kid started mumbling about tsunamis and holocausts but Pastor Jim's ushers took him out the back and his family got told not to talk to him no more. Don't reckon he'll disturb the faithful again!)

So if them scientists are so smart, how come they call it "undeniable"? I can deny it all I want. It's a free country isn't it?

*(So-called because that's kinda their job)
^(Parts or all of this statement may be untrue)

My Latest Theory (by Anne Elk)

This theory came (in a flash of inspiration naturally) while sitting out the back burning sticks in the brazier and drinking red. Several reds. See, I like fires. Not big nasty ones but the sort you can sit and stare into for hours. You can poke them, stir them, throw stuff in, watch the sparks and coals, even cook things. And having some bits feel warm while the rest are cold somehow gives you more of a sense of 'conquering the elements' than flicking a switch can. I said it was like nature's screensaver but The Woman gave me one of those 'looks'.

Thing is, most animals are scared of fire and run like the dickens. Except rhinoceroses which of course stamp them out with their large flat feet. So I started thinking about why most humans enjoy the whole campfire thing while Naked Saharan Mole-Rats* (for example) don't. The answer is of course evolution (unless you're my son's ex's mother who can't even say the word without choking and waits daily for the rapture. By all indications that's the only rapture the cold-hearted brain-dead, grasping ... but I digress). I reckon that some Homo Hairybackus's just happened to be a bit odd about fire. Instead of running, they hung around and played with it like us. Maybe some even carried it around on the end of a stick, like an Olympic torch relay but with more grunting and scratching than one tends to see today. Some may have pushed different things in it to see what would happen, as you do. If one of those things was meat - well, I think you see where this is going. Yes, Gordon Ramsay. Before you know it, Tarquin's warm winter fire has attracted a swarm of potential mates and the fire-loving genes are on their way down to us. (I refuse to call early hominids Og or Thag as I believe this to be a form of racial stereotyping. Henceforth let us call them Tarquin or Nigel.)


* I mention Naked Saharan Mole-Rats because they are, IMHO, the world's ugliest and most disgusting mammal. More people should know this so that one day we Mole-Rat Haters can rise up and exterminate them all. If you think this is unjustified, google them and see for yourself. Especially the part where they eat their own faeces or feed the green ones to their baby rats or something. I've had pet rats and nursed injured pythons so I'm not squeamish but these things are just wrong.